Everyday I ask myself whether I should add you back as a friend on Facebook. Everyday, I open up your page, look at that amazing smile of yours, reminiscing the memories. But I never could click that friend request button. For I don't know what will happen after. Will you accept me back? Will you ignore me?

Regardless, I turn sad after leaving your Facebook page the way it was when I first opened it. Everytime, I will leave my room and take a walk.

And cry a little inside.

Smileys and rainbow make my world go round.

=) =) =) =) =) =) =) =)

There can be as many smileys as the eyes can see, but there will ever be only one Rainbow. =)

不是我放弃了你，还未，还不想。只是心太痛。

When I said I wanted to delete everything, I didn't because I couldn't.

Dream

I had a dream last night.

I dreamt that I was on the verge of falling very ill, but for some reason I wasn't worried at all, because in my dream, I knew you were gonna be there to take care of me. I knew that whatever's gonna become of me, you'll always be by my side, I K.

And I woke up with a huge heartache. Back to reality.

Dream about you

Last night I had a dream, I was back in Malaysia, somewhere near a port. I took out my cellphone, typed something which I clearly can't remember now, and sent it to Iris Kheng.

=) What it means, I don't know. Do dreams come true?

Youtube

Go on youtube, search Iris Kheng and you'll find this :

A song that I learnt for her, to play for her, but never got to.

回不去没有你的之前，只能接受没有你的现在。

I

Almost in every sentence read, spoken or written, I have to use the alphabet "I". Which refers to me by definition clauses. But truth is, the alphabet "I" means Iris to me. Because to Iris is my everything. And before I even think of myself, I think of Iris first.

~Banana~

Text/SMS/Message

Since Tuesday, this is probably the 15th time I've been wanting to text you, with 8 of them having finished writing the text message but didn't press send.

Kheng

Happy birthday Ai Kheng. =)

When I search for friends, I hit "I" in the box, your profile will always pop out first.
When I look at my phone, your messages start from the beginning till the end of my inbox.
When I open Google Chrome, the first thing I notice is your picture.

When I open Facebook chat, the first thing I search for is your name.

When I open Facebook chat, the first person I see is you.

When I open Facebook chat, the green light next to your name makes my heartbeat stop.

When I receive your text, I sleep soundly at night.

When I got through today, everything came back to me, and told me how important you are to me again.

When I get drunk later, the words coming out of my mouth the most would be your name.

When I go to bed tonight, you're going to be the last thing I'd think of.

When I get up tomorrow, I'll have to remind myself that you're gone again.

When I remind myself of that, I'll have to push myself to get by each day once more.

When one day, I don't have to go through all of this again, I'll blame myself for deleting you from Facebook and tell myself what a lousy person I've been.

Until then, I'm sorry Ai Kheng, I really can't go through each day seeing your name and stuff. I am hurting inside very much. Hope you'll forgive me.

When all of this is over, I hope we'll still be friends. Or more. Or whatever. =) Take care. Happy birthday again, Ai Kheng.

全因你

最近才受到我朋友刚过世的消息，
心里突然间好难过，
不知如何形容，
睡不安，吃不安，
更有过自杀的感觉，
因为我失去了一个好友，
一个对我很重要的人。

在这遥远的地方，
我什么都做不到，
只能拨电话问候他的家人。
不知道他父母到底如何，
我们朋友之间都够伤了。
转眼间，
陪我谈心情的人突然间就这样走了。
没法留下什么，
离开了人间，
离开了我们朋友的身边。

他一直以来都是个好人，
不赌博，不喝酒，不吸烟，
无论朋友何时需要他帮忙，
他都一定在。

我一点都不像他。
逃避，我最厉害了。
跟他比起来，我仿佛人都不像，
可惜的是死的是他，
不是我。
好人短命吗？
我宁愿牺牲我自己让他复活。
可以代替他死，
我也会好得多，
反正和他比起来，
我活下去也没什么好。

在那一刻，
我失去了活下去的理由。
这世界本来就不公平了，
没什么考虑，
不需要任何理由，
就夺走了人的自由，
生存下去的美好时光。

自我检讨，
我最近会因为一个人，
开心，悲哀，快乐，伤心，
都因她。
收不到她讯息，
我会担心，
我会关心。
知道她开心，
我无论如何日子会好过得多，
脸上会一直挂着笑容。
我觉得我像是跟随着她的影子。
无法触碰，
这段距离永远存在，
但我并不在意，
永远在暗处守候着，想办法逗她开心。
永远望着她背影，见不到阳光也会一样快乐。
我的世界，是绕着她转的。
值得吗？我的心的唯一答案绝对是值得的。

我的好朋友才刚出意外，
我想了好久，
这生命还有好多重要的事情，
是等着我的。
等她，
我愿意。
可是要她多关心我，
算我要求太多了。
放弃，
是唯一的方法。
不管多疼多痛，
也只能这样。
我本来是个从小没什么受到爱的人。
就因为一时刻感受到了而忘了我自己。
对不起我自己，更对不起她。

我们已经是向着彩虹两端各自走。
可是，
在离开前，
我想祝福她。
要她幸福，快乐。
肯定会做得比我好得多。
她本来就是那么坚强可爱，
就是因为她是她，
才会喜欢上她，
才会希望她过得快乐，
才会选择离开。

马来西亚，
有她就有家。
失去置身之地，
我也没理由回去。
伤痛，
留在这就好了，
在我心里，
陪我继续走下去。

吞了一口气，
望着我电脑，
心里下着的雨比外面还大。
在此告别。
再见了，砹岑。