有时候，根本不知道我在闹什么。闹你常不在？闹我手机怎么那么没用？我也忘了，那么幼稚，我也真的还为成熟。

我不想你把我们之间当作理所当然的。英文叫Taken for granted.就是说就因为我们在一起，身为男朋友做那么多，是应该的。我这一辈子已经被人这样利用了。最不想的是连你也这样。

在这里写出来了，就算了。心声就在此说完，是时候改了。

我一生只是想做个好人。不管如何都想去理解他人，可是又有谁会理解我呢？

Chest pain

It's been 5 days.

Every time I cough or sneeze, the right side of my chest hurts a fair bit. I thought it was just a small problem that would wear off. But apparently not. Yesterday when I was going to do groceries with Homan, there were times when I think I came close to blacking out. Not kidding, and at that point of time, it wasn't just coughing nor sneezing that was painful, even breathing was an issue. It was such a stinging agonizing pain. Even during lunch, I'd say I had a fair share of trouble finishing my meal due to the pain. Thankfully we were in civic, access to drugs/medication was easy. Got me some painkillers (Panadol and Nurofen) to ease the pain. Took a while, but the pain was finally reduced. However I was so weak that I couldn't lift anything with my right arm at all. I'm not sure what's happening, I may be down with some sort of infection. No operation necessary I hope, cause I just can't afford to have it now.

I'll look for a doctor on Monday and see what happens.

Time

Word has been going around all these while, "Time heals everything". It's been a while now but I don't think time has done me much justice.

How long has it been. 3 years coming onto 4 now. And I have yet relinquished the guilt that has been within me all these time. I've been looking around for answers, for a resolve. To start anew. But all I really did was run away from my problems and hide. Never really facing it. Avoiding seems to be the most convenient way. Sadness, depression. Stuff that ripped my heart and soul. They still do now.

At some point, I decided to face up to my issues. I tried giving it a shot, to patch things. Every thing seemed to be going well at first, but somewhere down the line, it just .... broke. For all my good intentions, I was misjudged and negatively thought of. There wasn't any resolve and so things were left the way it was before.

And yet, I figured I'd give it a second time after months. I wanted a closure. To seek an ending. The vicious cycle started again. What started off as friendly soon turned into frustration and ultimately we became what we were in the beginning. Strangers.

I despise how life is so unpredictable, how every individual are so different. From young, I always pictured a society where there would be just clones of me. Everyone would have the same train of thought, never conflicting one another. Maybe then, all my clones would just be happy living with one another.

As I grew up, moving to a foreign country where I had to fend for myself. I understand now that it is every individuality that keeps the society going. Each and every one bringing out their field of expertise and experience in order to maintain the balance of the current demanding community.

I've seen my ways of error and am currently still seeking retribution/redemption. For all that I've done. For all that I've wasted. For all that I've lost.

Part of the past still ties me down. Reminding me of who I used to be. And how devious and diabolical I can be such that it ruins things around me. I have yet completely shrugged off my old characteristics.  They still remain intact deep inside and I'm afraid someday, when I can't stand it any more, I may explode and go on a rampage.

For now, my assumption is that not everything heals with time. Or perhaps I have not been through long enough to see it happen. Regardless, I'd rather have it fixed now that we're still alive and young, instead of realizing how stupid we were at old age and regret for things that may have gone differently. Issues of that magnitude is of little significance, yet it can destroy people in the blink of an eye.

Only a few know what I've been through. The tragedy, the horror that I had to live through alone. A phase which I had no reason to live for, where each and passing day drove me against the wall, feeling the suicide attempt at the back of my head. Where every thought would shred me, every eye will tear and every part of me feeling hopelessly lost.

My life has never been better in this place where everyone knows me as a different person to whom I was back then. To leave this group of friends and return home. Would I regain the things that I have lost? I'm not sure. But neither would I be able to guarantee that these friendships with my peers here in the university will last for the next few years. They will graduate, people move on. Everything I've been through would just be a sweet and pleasant memory, one that I am glad I made happen.

There exists only one reason for returning to chaos, and that is her. I'm hoping that things will last as long as it can, maybe forever. But as I said, the future is full of unknowns. I'm taking a huge gamble on life to be with her. And I want to win. Hopefully I will. The place I used to call home, I may have to readjust and start all over again. Some say time is linear, I would agree so, but the events that happen in its linearity seems to be a repeating cycle that never stops. 

Where my future holds, I don't know. Time will tell.

Kheng, if you're reading this, I want to hold on to you forever. Don't ever leave. <3