How long has it been. 3 years coming onto 4 now. And I have yet relinquished the guilt that has been within me all these time. I've been looking around for answers, for a resolve. To start anew. But all I really did was run away from my problems and hide. Never really facing it. Avoiding seems to be the most convenient way. Sadness, depression. Stuff that ripped my heart and soul. They still do now.
At some point, I decided to face up to my issues. I tried giving it a shot, to patch things. Every thing seemed to be going well at first, but somewhere down the line, it just .... broke. For all my good intentions, I was misjudged and negatively thought of. There wasn't any resolve and so things were left the way it was before.
And yet, I figured I'd give it a second time after months. I wanted a closure. To seek an ending. The vicious cycle started again. What started off as friendly soon turned into frustration and ultimately we became what we were in the beginning. Strangers.
I despise how life is so unpredictable, how every individual are so different. From young, I always pictured a society where there would be just clones of me. Everyone would have the same train of thought, never conflicting one another. Maybe then, all my clones would just be happy living with one another.
As I grew up, moving to a foreign country where I had to fend for myself. I understand now that it is every individuality that keeps the society going. Each and every one bringing out their field of expertise and experience in order to maintain the balance of the current demanding community.
I've seen my ways of error and am currently still seeking retribution/redemption. For all that I've done. For all that I've wasted. For all that I've lost.
Part of the past still ties me down. Reminding me of who I used to be. And how devious and diabolical I can be such that it ruins things around me. I have yet completely shrugged off my old characteristics. They still remain intact deep inside and I'm afraid someday, when I can't stand it any more, I may explode and go on a rampage.
For now, my assumption is that not everything heals with time. Or perhaps I have not been through long enough to see it happen. Regardless, I'd rather have it fixed now that we're still alive and young, instead of realizing how stupid we were at old age and regret for things that may have gone differently. Issues of that magnitude is of little significance, yet it can destroy people in the blink of an eye.
Only a few know what I've been through. The tragedy, the horror that I had to live through alone. A phase which I had no reason to live for, where each and passing day drove me against the wall, feeling the suicide attempt at the back of my head. Where every thought would shred me, every eye will tear and every part of me feeling hopelessly lost.
My life has never been better in this place where everyone knows me as a different person to whom I was back then. To leave this group of friends and return home. Would I regain the things that I have lost? I'm not sure. But neither would I be able to guarantee that these friendships with my peers here in the university will last for the next few years. They will graduate, people move on. Everything I've been through would just be a sweet and pleasant memory, one that I am glad I made happen.
There exists only one reason for returning to chaos, and that is her. I'm hoping that things will last as long as it can, maybe forever. But as I said, the future is full of unknowns. I'm taking a huge gamble on life to be with her. And I want to win. Hopefully I will. The place I used to call home, I may have to readjust and start all over again. Some say time is linear, I would agree so, but the events that happen in its linearity seems to be a repeating cycle that never stops.
Only a few know what I've been through. The tragedy, the horror that I had to live through alone. A phase which I had no reason to live for, where each and passing day drove me against the wall, feeling the suicide attempt at the back of my head. Where every thought would shred me, every eye will tear and every part of me feeling hopelessly lost.
My life has never been better in this place where everyone knows me as a different person to whom I was back then. To leave this group of friends and return home. Would I regain the things that I have lost? I'm not sure. But neither would I be able to guarantee that these friendships with my peers here in the university will last for the next few years. They will graduate, people move on. Everything I've been through would just be a sweet and pleasant memory, one that I am glad I made happen.
There exists only one reason for returning to chaos, and that is her. I'm hoping that things will last as long as it can, maybe forever. But as I said, the future is full of unknowns. I'm taking a huge gamble on life to be with her. And I want to win. Hopefully I will. The place I used to call home, I may have to readjust and start all over again. Some say time is linear, I would agree so, but the events that happen in its linearity seems to be a repeating cycle that never stops.
Where my future holds, I don't know. Time will tell.
Kheng, if you're reading this, I want to hold on to you forever. Don't ever leave. <3
Kheng, if you're reading this, I want to hold on to you forever. Don't ever leave. <3
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