They may be crappy feelings. But they're real. And because of that, I know I would still go through heaven and hell just for you.

Today I woke up from a bad dream where I was next to you, and you were so sick. That you could barely talk. I was all so worried about you but your smile to me in my dreams gave me reassurance as if everything was going to be alright. I think the me in my dream almost teared.

I wish I could tell you this in real life. Cause after waking up, for half a day I had the worst heart ache ever. I know you may never want to hear from me again, so I just asked our closest mutual friend, Amanda to take care of you. I know it may seem stupid of me for worrying, and stuff. But with random premonitions coming true, I'm not taking any chances. And I don't want you to think that I'm a psycho worrying about you too much either. So, I have all my hopes on Amanda to look after you.

Also, I called my parents tonight and out of nowhere they were criticizing me about the relationship that I was just recently in. Judging me and saying all the bad things about you. They even asked me why I didn't choose a girl from my uni. I don't know why, but I got so mad and I told them off, "because only she can make me feel that way!" My parents went silent. I hope that they realize, that you realize that even though we may not have been compatible or suitable for one another, but for a period of time, you were the only person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

=) And with a smile, I'll end my post.

昨晚算是我第一次吸毒。不是那种会上瘾的吧。到现在，我从未有那种想再吸的感觉。

但主要点是吸了整个世界会慢了下来。其实吸了会让你思想一切成真。要想什么，关眼睛就会看到了。一片海，满天星星，想见到什么就见到什么。我个人觉得好神奇。

当它开始有效果时，我朋友问我，闭上眼睛第一个看到的是什么。

一闭上眼睛，开始一片黑暗，可是突然间你的脸出现了。那充满笑容的脸孔，那么美丽的，仿佛见到真人在面前。手一伸出去感觉好像可以摸到你的脸似的。

“没有见到什么。。。” 我骗我朋友。

“无所谓，现在就想像你在一个沙滩，望着无角的海。” 我朋友告诉我。

不需要想太多，海就出现在我眼前。海潮不断往着我冲过来。可是在我完全遗失了我自己那一刻，你就出现在我旁边，紧握着我手，仿佛避免我在深入下去。就那样，你我作者在沙滩，望着日落，那么美丽，那么温柔。躺在我肩膀的你。若时间能停留就好了。那么美丽的一刹那，若能永远保持就好了。

过了一阵子，我睁开了眼睛，梦境就消失了。眼睛里的水管仿佛裂了，开始漏水。

还好大家都还陷入这在他们的梦境里，没发现我弄干眼泪。

好啦，本来想回去之前那甜蜜的感觉。始终没有，脑海不断地飘，就再也没法飘到有你的梦境里。算太可惜了吧。但总有那么一次就好啦。

=)

Everyday I ask myself whether I should add you back as a friend on Facebook. Everyday, I open up your page, look at that amazing smile of yours, reminiscing the memories. But I never could click that friend request button. For I don't know what will happen after. Will you accept me back? Will you ignore me?

Regardless, I turn sad after leaving your Facebook page the way it was when I first opened it. Everytime, I will leave my room and take a walk.

And cry a little inside.

Smileys and rainbow make my world go round.

=) =) =) =) =) =) =) =)

There can be as many smileys as the eyes can see, but there will ever be only one Rainbow. =)

不是我放弃了你，还未，还不想。只是心太痛。

When I said I wanted to delete everything, I didn't because I couldn't.

Dream

I had a dream last night.

I dreamt that I was on the verge of falling very ill, but for some reason I wasn't worried at all, because in my dream, I knew you were gonna be there to take care of me. I knew that whatever's gonna become of me, you'll always be by my side, I K.

And I woke up with a huge heartache. Back to reality.

Dream about you

Last night I had a dream, I was back in Malaysia, somewhere near a port. I took out my cellphone, typed something which I clearly can't remember now, and sent it to Iris Kheng.

=) What it means, I don't know. Do dreams come true?

Youtube

Go on youtube, search Iris Kheng and you'll find this :

A song that I learnt for her, to play for her, but never got to.

回不去没有你的之前，只能接受没有你的现在。

I

Almost in every sentence read, spoken or written, I have to use the alphabet "I". Which refers to me by definition clauses. But truth is, the alphabet "I" means Iris to me. Because to Iris is my everything. And before I even think of myself, I think of Iris first.

~Banana~

Text/SMS/Message

Since Tuesday, this is probably the 15th time I've been wanting to text you, with 8 of them having finished writing the text message but didn't press send.

Kheng

Happy birthday Ai Kheng. =)

When I search for friends, I hit "I" in the box, your profile will always pop out first.
When I look at my phone, your messages start from the beginning till the end of my inbox.
When I open Google Chrome, the first thing I notice is your picture.

When I open Facebook chat, the first thing I search for is your name.

When I open Facebook chat, the first person I see is you.

When I open Facebook chat, the green light next to your name makes my heartbeat stop.

When I receive your text, I sleep soundly at night.

When I got through today, everything came back to me, and told me how important you are to me again.

When I get drunk later, the words coming out of my mouth the most would be your name.

When I go to bed tonight, you're going to be the last thing I'd think of.

When I get up tomorrow, I'll have to remind myself that you're gone again.

When I remind myself of that, I'll have to push myself to get by each day once more.

When one day, I don't have to go through all of this again, I'll blame myself for deleting you from Facebook and tell myself what a lousy person I've been.

Until then, I'm sorry Ai Kheng, I really can't go through each day seeing your name and stuff. I am hurting inside very much. Hope you'll forgive me.

When all of this is over, I hope we'll still be friends. Or more. Or whatever. =) Take care. Happy birthday again, Ai Kheng.

全因你

最近才受到我朋友刚过世的消息，
心里突然间好难过，
不知如何形容，
睡不安，吃不安，
更有过自杀的感觉，
因为我失去了一个好友，
一个对我很重要的人。

在这遥远的地方，
我什么都做不到，
只能拨电话问候他的家人。
不知道他父母到底如何，
我们朋友之间都够伤了。
转眼间，
陪我谈心情的人突然间就这样走了。
没法留下什么，
离开了人间，
离开了我们朋友的身边。

他一直以来都是个好人，
不赌博，不喝酒，不吸烟，
无论朋友何时需要他帮忙，
他都一定在。

我一点都不像他。
逃避，我最厉害了。
跟他比起来，我仿佛人都不像，
可惜的是死的是他，
不是我。
好人短命吗？
我宁愿牺牲我自己让他复活。
可以代替他死，
我也会好得多，
反正和他比起来，
我活下去也没什么好。

在那一刻，
我失去了活下去的理由。
这世界本来就不公平了，
没什么考虑，
不需要任何理由，
就夺走了人的自由，
生存下去的美好时光。

自我检讨，
我最近会因为一个人，
开心，悲哀，快乐，伤心，
都因她。
收不到她讯息，
我会担心，
我会关心。
知道她开心，
我无论如何日子会好过得多，
脸上会一直挂着笑容。
我觉得我像是跟随着她的影子。
无法触碰，
这段距离永远存在，
但我并不在意，
永远在暗处守候着，想办法逗她开心。
永远望着她背影，见不到阳光也会一样快乐。
我的世界，是绕着她转的。
值得吗？我的心的唯一答案绝对是值得的。

我的好朋友才刚出意外，
我想了好久，
这生命还有好多重要的事情，
是等着我的。
等她，
我愿意。
可是要她多关心我，
算我要求太多了。
放弃，
是唯一的方法。
不管多疼多痛，
也只能这样。
我本来是个从小没什么受到爱的人。
就因为一时刻感受到了而忘了我自己。
对不起我自己，更对不起她。

我们已经是向着彩虹两端各自走。
可是，
在离开前，
我想祝福她。
要她幸福，快乐。
肯定会做得比我好得多。
她本来就是那么坚强可爱，
就是因为她是她，
才会喜欢上她，
才会希望她过得快乐，
才会选择离开。

马来西亚，
有她就有家。
失去置身之地，
我也没理由回去。
伤痛，
留在这就好了，
在我心里，
陪我继续走下去。

吞了一口气，
望着我电脑，
心里下着的雨比外面还大。
在此告别。
再见了，砹岑。

谢谢

不懂如何开始，
就这样吧，
咏仪，谢谢你。=)
我能成为现在的我，
全都是因为你。

想起当年，
我幼稚，思想未够成熟。
无法给你最好的。
都是我的错，对不起。
如今我们之间这入海般大的距离，
都怪在我身上好了。

我们不是曾经有个六年的计划，
过了六年，等你再恢复一起。
你是否还记得吗？
算是我等不及了，
算是没缘份。
在一起的机会出现第一次，
就不会再有第二次了。
我们算是在那地步了。

早就走到分叉路口，
各自走各自的路，
走向各自的幸福。
彩虹可能是一样的，
但我们是走向不同的两端。

我和你在一起时，
学了好多，
尤其是如何面对感情，
如何做个更好的人，
可惜我学得太慢，
才会导致如今的状况。
我太懦弱，
但我不会再重复那错误。

我现在是和一个我认为是很好的女生。
他不是你，也不会代替你，
但是他是我现在的世界。
他和你算是从两个不同的世界出来的。
爱情是不能拿来比较的。
我好喜欢他。
字是无法形容我对他的感情。
希望他知道，
我是在给予我的全部，
让他每天都有个新的理由在次喜欢上我。

他的幸福已经在我手里。
我会紧握不放。
你的幸福，
我花了一年多寻找，
还是找不到。
它可能回到主人的手里，
也可能已经在其他人手上，
但那不再与我有关。
我现在双手都满了，
装满着Kheng的快乐，
无法容许其他人的。

你我之间所发生的，
永远都会是美好回忆。
我现在会和他创出更多，更好的，
更值得回顾的回忆。
这么久了，
我才一阵子前放下了你。
回忆会永远跟随着我，
但我乐意接受它。
没有那段回忆，
就没有现在的我和Kheng。

今晚流的唯一一滴泪，
是最后一次为你流的。
谢谢你。
感恩不及。
希望你可以祝福我。
=)

PISSED

Pissed. So freaking pissed right now. For one, I have to carry the entire team of students that take the same course as me thus far. I've been doing all the work willingly trying to help them. I'm not saying they are dumb and stupid, they're just smart, but insanely lazy. As friends, I looked past that and did most of the work. So here's how it goes.

I do all the work, finish whatever task was given and email a copy to them only for them to rip parts off it, modify and score higher points than I do. Best part was, they never tell me of what mistakes I have. They just change it and give the improved version of mine in and score off it. They provide company and social interactions to me of which I do the same as well, but nothing academically. Fine, I can tolerate that.

Being in a group of IT nerds, we play LoL almost on a daily basis. And it was tonight that really pissed me off. Not only did they not perform well, on points where they weren't any chance of winning, they decided to hold me off by rejecting surrender. Time which I wanted to work on my assignment, my quiz.

I'm gonna put that off to voice my anger. This is to remind myself to not send anything to them ever again. Why should I waste my time staying up late nights working when they're playing games, having fun, hanging out, drinking and shit.

Often friends will be harsh on one another as a form of motivation and joke. But my past has haunted me and it's making me super paranoid. I have reasons for acting this way.

This is gonna be like high school again where I was used by my "friends". It's happening again but before it reaches a limit where friends turn into strangers, I'm gonna point out the issues we have. Friendships are not deserved in that sense. This is what I personally think.

My New BlogSite

Hi guys,

I'm not sure how many people reads my blog. But for those who are reading this, I have uploaded a new blog that would be more visually attractive and compelling. Hope you guys will visit it when you guys are free.

www.iwanttobeforgiven.blogspot.com

Thanks,

Kevin

The Girl I Loved

Till this day, I have yet found a girl like her. A girl who not only was the world to me, and still is, but also the girl who I've still been thinking about despite the years that's passed by. How long has it been? 2 years? Yet here I am still thinking of her occasionally, recalling historic events as if it happened just yesterday.

I was asked a question about what I liked about her. Back then, I gave reasons.

She is kind.

She is sweet.

She is nice.

She is comforting.

She is passionate.

She is caring.

She can play sports really well.

She can play musical instruments.

She can get really good grades in exams.

She loves being clean.

She loves being tidy.

She loves origami.

She loved the stories I wrote about her.

She loved the stories I wrote for her.

She loved the video I made for her.

She loved the drawing I drew for her.

She loved me.

She was everything to me.

But does liking someone really need a reason? Despite being so multi-talented, so capable, it was not her skills and techniques that attracted me. Not her looks. Not the way she stared at me. Not the smile given to me so many times. Not the jogs / walks we had.

It was because she is who she is. I knew she was the one for me. I didn't know this at first sight though, but I always felt that there was a kind of connection that links both of us. A thin string that would either stay connected or break eventually.

And I placed my hopes on that thin string, that small probability of love, or us being together. And I held on, till now, to the same string which is now connected to no one. nothing.

I suppose your reason for our break up would be "People are people and sometimes we change our minds". As true as that may sound, but my mind hasn't changed yet. No reason to. I chose you long ago. And I'm sticking by my choice. Not because of what you are, but because of who you are.

I have really no idea what I'm writing about. I'm just expressing as my heart feels like, without thinking of the structure of this post.

After watching Strangers Again by Wong Fu productions, I would like to quote a meaningful line from the short as a conclusion that I feel has a great impact on me after watching it. It goes like this -

"I think... that... if life separates us, and we end up in totally different places, I will always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time. And I'll be thankful for that. And hope that wherever you are, you will be thankful too. I think that's the best we can wish for."

The most unfortunate fact about a relationship that doesn't work out, is the inevitable path both parties are on to become strangers. Many relationships follow a general path, through a set of different stages, one that brings two strangers together, takes them through a period of deep emotions and meaningful experiences, then returns them to where they began.

Strangers, again.

In my dreams,

we met somewhere, after you finished your class. I couldn't recognized you at first but somehow I knew it was you. I followed you up to a point till we both stopped. You looked away from me, trying not to meet my eyes with yours. Next thing I did, I walked forward and hugged you from the back, saying, "I'm sorry." I'm not gonna explain how everything felt, cause it was a dream after all.

It took a while, and you broke away from my hug, turned facing me and went into my arms again. And you started crying as well. We held each other for a bit, tightly and then I got up.

Awakened,

I had a severe chest pain. Either the position that I slept was wrong or I really felt you in my dreams, so deeply it affected me in reality.

Either way, I would've died happily.

THE WORST 50 EPISODE ANIME - BLOOD +

By far the worst Anime I've ever seen. Despite watching only 18 episodes, I found it to be extremely boring and full of bullshit. But to be sure that it's really that bad, I finished the whole Anime, multitasking and surfing the net while being able to predict how the story goes.

Producers of Blood+ are the worst. What genre is it supposed to be? According to Wikipedia, it's supposed to be Adventure and Supernatural. Clearly it isn't based on action at all. So I shall not blame it too much on it's action and fighting scenes. Many of you who've watched it will realize how Chiptoreans alone are smarter and more powerful than Saya, let alone Chevaliers. And yet she took them down by just slicing them up. However, the main point here would be that Saya's opponent are more intelligent, stronger, more agile and way superior to Saya. But the fighting scenes always ends with Saya somehow being able to poke her sword into the Chiptoreans. Yay for the dumb stupid Chiptoreans whose brain suddenly degenerated.

Parts of the storyline is stupid as well. The best example would be Episode 13 - where little creeps were trying to kill Kai. Saya who was taken down earlier, suddenly became stronger and managed to slice Phantom. In this process, Kai and the small monsters miraculously separated and were placed in cages. Horrible. Just horrible. They were given 50 episodes to produce a crap like this? SHAME!

Back to the main topic. Adventure. I don't see how going to different places around the world without seeing any monuments make it an adventure. The only thing I can see is that she's travelling across the globe is to kill Chiptoreans only. Kill them and leave for next country. What an adventure. Haha. Go jump off a building please.

Being supernatural is fine and cool with me. Cause that's what it really is. But the messed up part is that Saya's ability is by far the shittiest for being one of the scariest Queen around. All she can do well in is just high jump. As her body passed the pole with ease, everyone would've expected her to have super strength or speed or at least something. But in the end, she can only jump. Wow. That's so entertaining. It's bad enough that Saya's practically useless, it just makes it worse that her counterpart, Diva is way cooler and awesome than her.

Why don't the producers make a story about Diva instead and save us the irony of watching Saya develop to become a pussy. They're focusing the powers on the wrong characters. Dumb people.

How it got its high rating? I don't know. People are blind. Fullmetal Alchemist came out 2 years ago. I believe not many people watched FMA before watching this eyesore.

Both at 50 episodes each.

FMA had better love components with Winry and Edward than Blood+ (with NOTHING!)

Action scenes? FMA taps our imagination by allowing us to see what can be created from something of equivalent value. Blood+? Watching Rurouni Kenshinn would have been better. That was cool at least. Blood+? I'm gonna puke blood and die from it.

Now Adventure. FMA is called an adventure, where they head to different towns and cities to explore. You don't see shit in Blood+.

Emotional wise, FMA has sad moments throughout the series. Emo, sadness, despair, joy, comedy. What does Blood+ have? Sad moment in the first few episodes and that's it.

OST wise, I reckon FMA has the upper hand but Blood+ has some good music as well. But nothing catchy or worthy of listening twice.

Overall, I give this Anime a 4/10, behind Gundam 00 with 5/10. Gundam has robots and cooler fighting scenes and emotions.

I hope readers who found my blog will understand how bad it is. Feel free to comment if you think I'm wrong. I'll prove I'm right.

=) In the meantime, do not watch this anime for those who have yet decided to. Waste your time on other stuff than watching this blatantly dull Anime.

Feelings

I have lost my sleep for a few nights now. Barely got much rest.

It's been so long, I've been trying to sort things out. Ever since I met you, I thought you were a very nice person, a kind and gentle soul. It was from then on that I realized I wanted to know you further, to understand you better, thus leading to us chatting for a bit from time to time. In that time, I know that I was fond of you. I look forward to every time I see you online, to chat with you. Those times were fun as I got to know you more.

However, the time came when you had your exams. I was ignored for obvious reasons. Examinations. That I could live with. Well, I barely just made it through. In that time, I knew

I like you.

Or maybe not. Maybe it was the feeling that someone was there for me ever since my past. Someone who would understand what I've gone through, who'd share the same feeling that I do. It was you. You've always treated me like a friend, but never once I did the same to you. You were more. You meant something to me. You made me feel special again.

But as I started sorting out my feelings, are you really the one for me? Yes. And no. I like you for the way you are. I like you. I really do. Or did. One issue I have would be the fact I'm afraid of getting hurt again like before. I'm aware that I shouldn't just judge. But, this feeling is definitely one-sided. That I'm sure of. That's why, after all those sleepless nights, which I told you I was working on assignments, but in fact I couldn't sleep cause I was thinking about you. So I just used my assignments to get you off my mind.

I avoided you for a reason. It hurts me now to do so, and it'll hurt me more if to find out we wouldn't be together later. So, I'm gonna endure this pain alone while I'm aware you wouldn't feel anything. Let me be. Tonight, I had a talk with a friend of mine who had some problems with another girl. Well, serious issues, worse than mine.

And that's what led to me writing this confession post to you. Or about you. As no one reads my blog, I guess it's safe to express how I feel all the time. I wanna express how I feel, before I dry up inside and die. Everyday, music and gaming has proven to be my closest friend. Not one that I could rely on, something that'll respond to my needs - company. Music calms me down, but never the same way like you do. Gaming only induces more anger. I could go on and on. But... words can never explain how I feel. For you.

I wanna be with you. If this feeling lasts. But our friendship has ended long before. I miss you.

离开你，我才发现自己，找回了自己。

寂寞，悲伤。

想你的夜晚是那么的孤独，

那么的痛苦，

心里想说的每一句话，

能达到你就好，

达不成也没办法。

星星，

说个故事给你听吧！

从前有个月亮，

月亮本来也只有一个，

他好喜欢太阳，

开始时不断和太阳谈天，

但如今再也没对话了。

虽然如此，

月亮对太阳的感情依然无变，

心里只想说一句：“

太阳，我好喜欢你。

你知道吗？”

=(

寂寞

从未对它那么的认真，

从未察觉他的影响力，

从未发觉它的存在，

带给人们失望，

伤心，

悲哀，

和绝望。

它，

就是寂寞。

最近，

我发觉当我孤独一人时，

寂寞就像是我的影子，

不断陪伴着我，

跟随着我的每一举一动。

它可以像是我的同生弟弟，

从我出生到现在，

都没离开过我。

当我岁月寥寥无几时，

父母就让奶妈照顾我，

只在周末时才带我回家。

小学时，

都是早上六时离家，

上课，补习，

不到傍晚不归家，

吃饱饭，准备睡觉。

高中也差不远，

只是傍晚回家后，

吃了晚饭就回房读书，温习。

如今大学也离开了家，

和父母，家人的接触就减少了更多，

但想回来，

我从开始都几乎是单独一人，

也没改变了多少。

朋友，友情，你，

都没寂寞那么忠心。

不管我在哪儿，

它都会随时随地地和我在一起。

就算音乐在我脑海中里回旋，

我心里始终感觉到寂寞的存在，

那么的痛，

那么的伤心。

醒来，洗脸，洗澡，

出门，上课，温习，

煮饭，上网，睡觉，

都是寂寞粘着我最近的时候。

有时候，

只剩下吉他陪我谈谈几句，

但它所说的每一个旋律，

是让我想你时刻。

想起我从没机会弹给你听，

只有寂寞在我身旁拍手赞好。

心里的温暖，

被寂寞掌握着了。

它稳稳抓着不放，

让我情绪零碎。

你的来临却改变了我的世界一阵子，

你比寂寞好得多，

代替它逗我开心，

逗我笑，

让我觉得好幸福。

初次见你时，

没办法和你聊天时，

寂寞就出现。

在一起时，

不能见到你的每一秒，

寂寞就在我后面嘲笑我那么笨。

失去你的那一刻起，

我才记得寂寞一直以来没脱离我。

无所谓，

就算后悔也有它陪我。

孤单仿佛就是我，

而寂寞就是孤单最要好的朋友。

我们，是不可能分离的。

在此刻，

我是多么想你的，

你知道吗？

火花

今晚，

在我最寂寞的时候，

突然感觉到一线不可思议的希望，

让我看了都目瞪口呆，

无话可说的状态。

因为在我眼前出现了

火花。

火花那么活泼，

不断地从地升到空中爆炸，

在那一瞬间，

那一小小的灯

散发出更多迷人可爱的灯光，

而每“砰”一声，

仿佛在我看到你的时候，

想你的时候，

在你附近的时候，

时速时慢的心跳，

激动了起来。

有时甚至停下来了，

等待下一个心跳节奏。

火花就不断地在空中出现，

照亮了孤独的我，

在我生命中加上了颜色，

那么的鲜艳，

那么的精彩。

每一个灯光爆炸时，

产生了一种

连语言也无法形容出的温暖。

心里变得好温柔，

好平静。

火花种类不少，

可是都给予大家一种无法比较的

心喜。

有些跳得好高，

仿佛会触到身为月亮的我，

有些却离我好远，

伸手伸脚都无法触摸到，

心里会有些失望。

可是最可惜的就是，

火花就是那么的快就结束了。

所感受到的温柔，

喜悦，

转眼间就渐渐地消失。

但我却同时觉得幸福和寂寞。

火花，

只能在晚上，

在我高挂在空中时才会发生，

让我看了不断地微笑，

但它决不可能在太阳降落前出现。

这就意味着我们之间的距离有多么的远，

远得我们所见到的，

所欣赏的，

所感受的，

始终不会是一样的。

太阳是感受不了，

月亮的心跳。

太阳是望不到，

月亮所见过的东西。

但太阳需要知道的是

月亮认为太阳是它的火花，

一个永远灿烂，

散发出希望与温暖，

多色多彩的灯光。

只是月亮无法迎接太阳的拥抱。

只能默默地期待，

无时想起太阳，

并利用火花代替太阳

陪月亮过着孤独的夜晚。

想你

不知道是什么时候喜欢你，

可是感觉突然间就这么来了，

我一直知道这是单方的感觉，

你当我是好朋友，

你每次这样说的时候，

我心里仿佛被刀刺了一下，

心痛，

心疼，

只有窗外的月亮知道我的忧愁，

若太阳和月亮本来是一对，

那你是太阳，

那么的灿烂，那么得潇洒，

那么得引人，

照亮整个世界，

给予人民新的希望，

我就是月亮，

高挂在黑暗里，

欣赏着太阳为大家带来的温柔，

但太阳也未必知道月亮的存在，

在大家都睡了觉的深夜里，

星星是我朋友陪伴着我，

但永远代替不了身为太阳的你。

太阳，月亮，是永远不会在一起，

不能同时间出现，

一个凌晨升起，

一个等黑暗降临才出现，

双方就一直在追不到的视线里，

就算时间停留也不可能在一起。

就在此时，

月亮需要学会放弃，

而最快，最痛苦的方法就是

避免与太阳沟通。

想一想，

只要太阳开心，

那月亮的牺牲算不了什么，

有星星在身边，

日子可能会好过些。

地球会永远留在太阳与月亮之间，

等日食或月食时，

才能遇见太阳，

可是到时，

感觉可能就这样没了，

朋友也做不下了。

但身为月亮的我，

一定会在你后面跟随着你，

守候着你。

Day 7

What I hope to achieve by the end of this holiday.

- Increased stamina and speed.

- Matured thinking.

- Stronger

I'm doing all these so that I'll be able to continue playing Frisbee for the University. Same goes for my Malaysian basketball society, hopefully I'll be able to play against other Malaysians from various uni's from Australia.

I want to be stronger, better, more successful than my other teammates. It's a fool's hope, but I've been training daily so it must show how dedicated I am in this.

I really want to be stronger. Accepted by everyone that I'm more capable than others. I'm needed for the team to win.

Well, the main reason is because I have nothing else to go on for my life anymore. Obviously it's a dead end's road on the relationship area.

Why am I even babbling all of this? ><

TATA.

Day 6

Heart beating fast now. Why? Was added in a chatroom that contained a person I've been trying to avoid..

Okay. Let's start it this way. The reason why I'm back in Malaysia, partially is because I wanted to see my parents. They've been worried for me for an entire year. Another main reason would be for her, to savour whatever friendship we have left. Months before I returned, I contacted her through email (started by wishing her on her birthday) and we've been emailing since. Adding her on facebook might've not been such a smart move.

Well, I thought we'd still be friends and on good terms. But after returning and a few days, I realized she deleted me on facebook. That must've been a start of something. Maybe she wanted to live her own life. To get away from the past. Which makes tons of sense. I'm the only fool here who's still waiting for something that would never happen.

Not all hope is lost. Her friend is still capable of calling her out to the park for games and stuff. So that proves that both of them are making effort for one another. Whatever happens, I'll just leave things just as it is and wish the better for the both of them. Their separation is my fault. Guilt-ridden, I'm aware I can never make any amendments for what has happened. But time heals all wounds, their friendship will return ( I believe so because I've been there ).

I'm currently at a standstill, without any ideas whether to move on or stay where I've fallen. I have yet to pick myself up, truth be told.

Therefore, I will not be returning to Malaysia the next summer. And probably the summer after. I shall stay in Australia where I've grown accustomed to the most. Friends here have been a liability. Especially her and my parents. Something that will hold me down in Malaysia.

Let's see where this year takes me. No matter where I am, how I feel...

Whoever's reading this... pls just keep this blog a secret. =)

If I could ever dedicate a song to her, it'd be Back to December - Taylor Swift.

Day 5

Tuesday. Note-to-self. Wear shoes if possible when playing intense basketball match next time.

Played in a game of 2-v-2 and two games of 3-v-3's. The game took some toll on legs. Right ankle and left knee to be specific. All the twist and turns. Sudden halts. Jumps and lands.

Well, that's how it all came about. So, how did my injuries even started. I should say it started gradually. Since 15, when I started playing basketball everyday, for 4 hours under the searing sun. All those sudden and intense runs, they took their toll on my legs. With extra Frisbee training, it got worse. During my peak, which started around 17 and ended when I was 18, I was able to go game after game. Playing the full 2 hours, running consecutively without even taking a moment to breathe.

It was probably then that I adopted a bad technique of jumping and landing on my left leg first. It must have taken a toll on my heavy and unforgiving weight. My left knee goes weak sometimes when I run or jog, to the extent that I lose the energy to even stand. As for my right ankle, I twisted it on multiple occasions, never sought any professional medical assistance. Thus I'm paying for my own mistakes for not treating it.

And yea. Here I am. =)

~ I used to play as hard as I could, defying my limits, striving for perfection. All these to impress her. My ex. She knows about my injuries and tried to convince me to not push so hard. But I always replied yes but pushed myself even harder the next time. That's because I really liked the fact that she cared, I wanted to stay injured so she'd always be concerned for me. Stupid me. Haha. Dumb and innocent. Well, also the fact that I wanted her to know at least I was able to play basketball with above average standards. ~

Those were the days. =) I'm suffering the consequences. But I wish that she still watches and cares for me.

Day 4

Today, I started thinking about the past of my Frisbee. It all began when the game was introduced when I was 13 during an assembly. The sight of seeing seniors manipulate the disc to do their will amazed me. And I took it up. In the beginning, not many people were interested in playing Frisbee. Only selected few. I can clearly recall me and JD being in the same team, going against other classmates. Dominating every single match. Only two of us were sufficient to wipe out the entire opposition.

Then, it was at the age of 14 that I sought to broaden my skills by joining an interclass competition. There, I met WJ and HX. Two friends whom I recognized that were way ahead of me in terms of throwing the disc. Then there was YS and WH. Two of the best catchers who are willing to dive and sacrifice both body and soul to score a point for the team. Both of them were in the same team. And it was because of both them that their team won with class and style. After being hit hard, I practiced as much as I could. Controlling my backhands well enough to the extent I could pinpoint my throws.

And at 15, I met them again. This time, they were way ahead of me with their forehands. Something that I wasn't able to fully master. Confronting them in another small competition made me even more envious. However, I was happy when I heard that I was invited for a special training every Fridays after school. It was then that I trained with WJ and HX. I got to know my seniors as well. Tons of them. Willy, Cecil, KF. Three who I recognized are awesome Frisbee players. And it was around exam time that HX stopped and MC came in.

When I was 16-17, most of my weekdays involved training Frisbee. Especially Fridays where we played intense games. On every available opportunity, we'd join competitions, events to challenge our limits and see how much more we could improve. I guess it was that time when we really got very very mad. Mistakes were not permitted. As a form of encouragement, we shouted at each other for minor errors. Yes, it was that insane.

However, because of my ex-gf and the after events of the breakup, I stopped Frisbee. Completely. Never touched it. A small part of it is because of YS's death. Which took a toll on all of us Frisbee friends.

Not until I went to Australia to pursue my tertiary education. What initially started off as a feeling of just wanting to throw the disc, I ended up joining the Lunchtime League for Scuba for two semesters, crowned first in my first sem and runners-up in the second. There, I trained with many other stronger players, all of whom I have my utter respect for and hope to be as great as them someday. I'm playing as the main catcher for the team, hoping to impress my teammates just as YS did to me. I will strive for success and will one day surpass YS.

Oh well. I can't say I'm very good. But my path this 7 years have not been easy. The hard work, the intense training. I'm glad I've reached somewhere. =)

But this blog is not only about memories.

I'm enjoying a lot of my time now relaxing back in Malaysia. Playing Frisbee almost on a regular daily basis with Frisbee enthusiasts. My backhand has improved heaps and so did my forehand. Probably due to all the training in Australia. Let's see if I can help them as much as I can.

~ Surprisingly, despite Frisbee being my passion, I have only played it once or twice with my ex-gf. And that saddens me. She told me once that she really liked the game. Too bad. I wished she could still play. Even though both of us have headed our own paths. It's a good game. Heck, I miss her. ~

Day 3

Today, an string of events turned my day bad.

Firstly, let's just say there was suppose to be a reunion dinner going on at 7.30pm. So what I did was, I went for basketball training at 4pm. Planning to arrive back at 6.30pm, taking a shower, preparing myself. After getting ready, my friend messaged me at 7pm. Half an hour before the meeting. She couldn't make it. Another friend as well. So, our reunion with a head count of 5 was voided.

So much for ditching my friend to come back early, only to be denied the chance of rejoicing with my friends once again. And I really feel like saying this now...

The reason one of my friends couldn't make it, was because she had some problems with her current boyfriend. She sent me a msg on facebook, one which I have no intention of replying. Her current relationship with her boyfriend is at a menopausal state. That would be an understatement as well. For their relationship issues occur more frequently. He has broken her heart on multiple occasions. So many that the number of fingers and toes added together may not have even reach half of the actual amount.

At first, I was supportive of their relationship. Asking her to take things lightly and not treat everything like the end of the world. Time after time, after countless arguments, she stuck by him. At the point where I don't even want to know of her problems anymore. And for the past few months, all I ever wanted for them was to break up.

Give it up already. I don't think anyone, not even themselves can see their own future in months time. It's annoying. And because of a quarrel, for god's sake whoever knows what happened, the reunion had to be cancelled. Last minute. Oh well. ><

The only reason that she's still stuck with him, is the possibility of them participating in sexual congress. I'm not gonna speculate anymore on that.

~ Sadly, another reason I went early was so that I could catch a glimpse of her. However, for the entire two and a half hours that I've been there, she didn't appear. Oh well. =)

Some things just aren't meant to be. ~

Day = Hate.

Day 2

Saw her at the park today. Wondered if the rain was doing me a favor or not. Maybe if she'd stayed on, I would have diverted my attention. Would lose my focus and tons of things.

But she's sitting on the swing. With her sister. In her school uniform. That spells trouble. But, that's as far as I will intervene. Well, I'm not even going to do anything. Haha. Not my problem.

Anyways, I was at Amcorp today. The CNY songs were playing throughout the entire time I was there. Annoys the hell out of me. Officially. I hate CNY songs. Why? I lost my Grandpa when I was a year old on the second day of Chinese New Year. And I lost a close friend to leukemia on the first day of CNY three years back. Imagine rushing back from my hometown all the way back to KL, on CNY to attend a funeral of a close friend.

The reason I'm playing Frisbee now is because of him. He was always the catcher in the game. Diving, risking his life for the disc during his prime. Watching him sacrifice so much for the team, I chose to play in his position as well. Training a lot, back here in Malaysia and in Australia.

Anyway, that's too much said. It's about actions and not words only.

~I still have a souvenir from Australia that I wanted to give her. But given the current situation, I'll probably just drop it in her mailbox before I leave. ~

=) Hope she likes it.

Day 1

Today, after jogging about 3km continuously, I could hear a crackling noise on my right ankle. Couldn't run anymore after that. ><>

Evening time, I went to play basketball. This time, my right calf was giving me problems. It became painful at times. And on several occasions making me lose control of my leg.

But none of this matters. Because I realize part of me was searching for you. At the park. Where it all began. My heart races whenever I see you. And it stops beating whenever I don't.

没了你，世界感觉上已经停止旋转了。

我一直望着你家门口。

希望能见到你。

期待着的，是。。。

你那仁慈的脸色。

你那比彩虹灿烂的笑容。

对。彩虹。那不是我们之间的话题吗？

总是觉得没人会真真珍惜它。

至少没你那么认真。

在此希望你会高兴。永远。